Giving feedback that lands

Four parts: what you saw, the effect, what you'd like, their view

Feedback lands when the other person can picture exactly what you mean and can see why it matters. It misses when it's a label ("you're not proactive"), a guess at their motives ("you don't care about the deadline"), or so late that nobody remembers the moment.

Use four parts. 1. What you saw: one specific, recent moment, described so that a camera could have recorded it. "In Monday's planning meeting you joined 15 minutes late." 2. The effect: what it changed for the work, the team or you. "We had to repeat the priorities, and the meeting ran over." 3. What you'd like: one concrete thing for next time. "If you can't be on time, message me before we start so we can reorder the agenda." 4. Their view: ask, then listen. "How does that look from your side?"

The same four parts work for positive feedback: "In Thursday's client call you summarised the three options before anyone asked. The client chose in five minutes. Keep doing that in the next calls." Positive feedback that is this specific tells people what to repeat.

Before you say it

Check three things before a feedback conversation. Is it recent? Feedback works best within a few days of the moment, in private, and at a time when neither of you is rushing to the next meeting. Is it about one thing? Pick the moment that matters most and leave the rest for another conversation. Is it about behaviour? If you can't describe what you saw without using a label, you're not ready yet.

Then decide what you want from the conversation. Most feedback conversations are not about winning an argument; they end well when you both agree on what happens next time.

Prepare two pieces of feedback

1. Think of someone you work with. Describe one recent moment where their work went well, as a camera would have recorded it.
2. What effect did it have on the work, the team or you?
3. Write the positive feedback in full, in the words you'd say out loud.
4. Now think of one moment you'd like to go differently next time. Describe what you saw, without labels or guesses about why.
5. What effect did it have?
6. What would you like them to do next time? Make it one concrete thing.
7. Write the question you'll ask to hear their view.
8. What makes this conversation hard for you? (For example: you like them, they're senior to you, you've let it go on for months.)

Session 1: the model

60 minutes. The coach walks through the four parts with one example of each. Each participant reads out the developmental feedback from their worksheet, without names, and the group points out any label or guess and helps rewrite it as what was seen. Close by choosing the situation each person will practise in session 2.

You add this call once the Events app is on the program: see “Then add the three live sessions” below.

When they push back

The first reply to developmental feedback is often a defence: "That's not what happened", "Everyone does it", "I was waiting on someone else". It's a normal reaction, not a sign that the feedback failed.

Don't argue the facts again and don't add more examples. Acknowledge what they said ("So the agenda reached you late, that's useful to know"), then come back to the part you both control: "What would help next time?" If you learn something that changes the picture, say so. Feedback is a conversation, and their view is the fourth part of the model, not an interruption.

If the conversation gets heated, pause it: "Let's take a break and pick this up tomorrow at 10." Then do.

Practice script

1. Which situation will you practise in session 2? Who is the person, and what is your relationship to them?
2. Write your opening line: how you'll start the conversation.
3. Write the four parts as you'll say them: what you saw, the effect, what you'd like, and the question for their view.
4. What's the reply you most fear hearing? Write it in their words.
5. Write how you'll acknowledge that reply and bring the conversation back to next time.
6. Write how you'll close: what you'll both do next, and when you'll check in.

Session 2: practice in pairs

60 minutes. In pairs, each person practises their real conversation twice while their partner plays the other person: once as written, once with the reply they most fear. The partner gives feedback on the practice using the same four parts. Everyone returns to the group, and each person names when they'll hold the real conversation before session 3.

You add this call once the Events app is on the program: see “Then add the three live sessions” below.

Week 2 check-in

1. How ready do you feel for your real feedback conversation? (1 = not at all, 5 = very)
2. What did your practice partner notice that you want to keep or change?
3. When will you hold the real conversation? Write the day and time.

Hold it, then follow up

Hold the conversation you practised, in private and at the time you chose. Use your script as notes, not as something to read out. Say the four parts, then stop talking and listen to their view.

Close with what you've both agreed for next time, out loud. Within a day, write down what happened while it's fresh. Then watch for the next time they do what you asked, and tell them: "You messaged before Monday's meeting. That let us start on time." Feedback is only finished when the change has been noticed.

Your feedback conversation

• Book a private time with the person, within a few days of the moment you'll talk about
• Read your practice script once before you meet
• Hold the conversation and agree on what happens next time
• Write your notes within a day, using the debrief worksheet
• Notice the next time they do what you agreed, and tell them

Debrief: the real conversation

1. Who did you talk to, and what was the feedback about? (No names needed: their role is enough.)
2. Which of the four parts did you say as you planned? Which did you change or leave out?
3. How did they reply? Write what they said as closely as you remember it.
4. What did you learn from their view that you didn't know before?
5. What did you both agree for next time?
6. What would you do differently in your next feedback conversation?

Session 3: debrief

60 minutes. Each participant shares their debrief: what they said, how the other person replied, and what they agreed. The group picks out what made the conversations land. Close with each person naming the next feedback conversation they'll hold, and when.

You add this call once the Events app is on the program: see “Then add the three live sessions” below.

Final check-in

1. How confident do you feel giving developmental feedback now? (1 = not at all, 5 = very)
2. How confident do you feel giving positive feedback now? (1 = not at all, 5 = very)
3. What's the one thing from this training you'll keep doing?
4. Who will you give feedback to next, and when?