Kimmy Seltzer

Ep.22: The Charisma Quotient unleashed: Unveiling confidence with Kimmy Seltzer


Confidence is just one word: experience.

In this engaging episode of the upcoach podcast, host Todd Herman welcomes Kimmy Seltzer, a renowned confidence and dating coach, and an ex-therapist turned into a transformative guide for those venturing back into the dating scene.

Kimmy, with her rich background in therapy and a unique outside-in approach to confidence and dating, shares her profound insights and heartwarming success stories that not only entertain but also inspire.

Kimmy delves into the importance of appearance and body language as the quickest gateway to internal confidence. She introduces listeners to her Charisma Quotient formula, emphasizing “style intelligence” as a foundational step towards building confidence.

This innovative approach advocates for a symbiotic relationship between one’s outer presentation and inner self-esteem, challenging traditional therapy methods by prioritizing action and experiential learning over analysis.

The episode illuminates Kimmy’s personal journey from a therapist to a coach, highlighting her transformative moment with a simple red dress that sparked her mission to help others find confidence and love from the outside in. She shares captivating stories from her coaching experiences, including powerful transformations achieved through wardrobe changes, flirt workshops, and the strategic gamification of dating skills.

Kimmy’s work stands out for its focus on practical, tactical advice and the creation of real-world experiences that lead to genuine self-discovery and growth. She champions the idea that confidence is a skill that can be developed through practice and experience, offering hope and actionable strategies to those feeling lost in the dating world. Explore the possibilities that open up when you begin to align your external presence with your internal desires.

Episode Quotes:

What is confidence?

I define confidence differently than a lot of people. In my workshop, I’ll say, “Well, how do you define confidence?”

And I have a list of all these things that people embody and say, “Oh, as someone who stands straight and someone who walks tall,” or whatever it is. But at the end of the day, confidence is just one word and that’s “experience”. End of story. It is.

Like, I don’t believe there’s one person out there that’s not confident. It’s just that they, A, haven’t had positive exposure to it, right? Or they haven’t had experience around it at all. And so how do you get it? You do it. And I mean, I make it sound so simple, but in all my programs, I’m gamifying all my skills constantly.

Like instead of saying, “Oh, just go out and flirt.” It’s like, well, let’s just start with making eye contact with three guys a day for two weeks. It’s like the gym, right? Like just go do it and repeat. And then once you get more confidence than that, then add a smile. 

Kimmy’s coaching approach focused on the outside in

When I started realizing how we look on the outside also affects the inside and there’s a symbiotic relationship between the outer and inner when it comes to confidence. And so now I actually teach people how to gain confidence from the outside in order to attract love.

And I start with what I call “style intelligence”, meaning we move through life, how we market ourselves through our wardrobe, our presentation, our first impressions, our body language, that is like the quickest gateway into someone’s internal confidence. And so then I work on the inside and I work on emotional intelligence. And then the third pillar is social intelligence, which is interpersonal communication. And yes, that includes flirting. 

The critical role of non-attachment to outcomes in flirting

We all get attracted to playfulness. I always in my workshop define what flirting is. It’s fascinating. It’s to behave as though you are attracted to someone without the serious intention of an outcome.

That last part, not getting attached to the outcome, is huge because everyone doesn’t flirt because they’re worried about what’s next rather than what is. And it’s my job to help people really be present and just worry about what is. And once they do that, once they release that, the world opens up. 

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